longer.blue

I had almost the exact same coming-out experience. I figured out I was trans years before I ever admitted it to myself. Even after I knew, I spent years denying it. A conversation with some female friends made them realize before I was ready to admit it, and eventually my entire friend group caught on. Instead of accepting it, I doubled down. My friends eventually stopped bringing it up, but I spent the next two years trying to bury it. The harder I repressed it, the worse my mental state became. I became paranoid that people would find out. I stopped doing the things that had quietly kept me sane wearing makeup, buying women's clothes, and letting myself explore who I was in private. I started arguing constantly with my partner. To distance myself from my feelings, I adopted an exaggerated version of masculinity and became openly sexist and transphobic. I still remember the argument that ended the relationship. What hurts most is that I never got closure. By the time I was ready to be honest, she and everyone else were already gone. I never got the chance to tell them that so much of what they saw was an act that I was lying to everyone, including myself. The first two years of my transition were spent almost entirely alone. My mental state became worse than I previously thought possible. It was already severe before but the isolation along with finally haveing to navigate this alone made it so much worse. The anxiety and emotional pain were so intense that they became physical. I would lie in bed for hours, doing nothing except trying to sleep long enough to get a brief escape from it all. Even alcohol stopped working. I was drinking heavily at the time, but it didn't matter. I could drink half a bottle of vodka and still feel the same crushing anxiety and depression. Nothing could drown it out. Years later, I finally got the chance to talk to some of those people again. Nobody hated me, but they didn't click with the person I had become. I can't blame them for that. I never really got the chance to fully explain everything, and honestly I hadn't fully processed it myself. The years I should have spent reflecting were spent alone, confused, and struggling to survive. I was genuinely awful back then easily the worst version of myself I've ever been. Now I'm five years on HRT. Things aren't perfect as I still boymode, but my life is undeniably better than it was. My mental health is better. I have a new group of friends. I'm far less toxic than I used to be. I've grown a lot as a person. I still have plenty of brainworms, but at least I'm not taking them out on other people anymore. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me well. Jax really brings these things back up for me. It way too simular to how things went for me. Yeah i'm pretty insane for this. I honestly not a bad person tho. Most people would say im the opposite of that person. Mental health and repression can do some crazy shit to you.