longer.blue

Its so hard to find the balance, knowing whats right, whats wrong and the nuance in-between it, when to love and when to hate, what it means to do the right thing and wether it makes you a good person. We live in such a complicated world where you could do everything wrong and still come out on top, you can be open, vulnerable, do everything right to the best of your ability and be violently stomped out by the ones you trusted the most It doesen't matter who you are, what you are, hatred will always find its way to you, within you and outside you, its everywhere, to love during all that is the hardest thing you can do, to forgive people feels like an impossible task and the reality is there is no benefit to doing so. I would never hurt another living thing, not when I have a choice and even when I feel like I don't I will still do my best, it is hard to do that in life, it goes against everything we are, our history, our biology and the natural way our mind will go in our lowest moments. If you can do that too, you wont be praised for it, people wont even look your way and see hope, you fade into the almost never-ending ever-growing crowd. When everyone is drowning some people find it easiest to become sharks and a lot of them will never realise that's what they are because you'll only ever see your reflection on the water when you're still trying to stay above it. Do I hate them? No, I'm just sad to lose them and the fact I'll never be able to remember the best of who they were before I saw just how bad they could be, I miss my friends, how I remembered them, I didn't know how to react. The truth is I could have stuck around and saw things through, tried again and again, and in the final moments of it all when I wanted so badly to see the truth I realised it is the same truth I had seen the whole time and If I had waited it out, it would have left me worse off. Even though I promised them I would stay I turned tail and ran and I regret it, even though to most that was the normal and sensible thing to do. Most people would have done it from the beginning that's not who I am and what I stand for. I used to be someone formidable in the face of adversity, I remember when I used to think I could do anything, when I was younger I believed I was strong and that I didn't suffer like other people but over the years I started to realise how damaged I was and how it effected my thinking and my health, recently I had my first Psychogenic non-epileptic seizure. There's a reason why there aren't many good people these days and if they are then they are blissfully ignorant of everything, the world will literally kill you if you aren't ready to lower your morals. If you're strong enough to speak out or if you dare show a moment of weakness people will just beat you within an inch of your life, they will take everything from you, they will leave you with nothing and the worst part is you'll blame yourself, you always do. I choose to push forward, I know it doesn't inspire those around me, I know it doesn't make me any better, I do not benefit from it, I have suffered for my honesty and my openness of who I am since I was born, I have suffered from trying to do the right thing again and again but it wont stop me, I don't know why I keep going, its not out of fear of the end, its not for some kind of benefit, There is no reason but at the same time I know I wont ever give up. Some day I'm going to die because of my choices, be it from the slow decline of my health because of my body destroying itself with stress hormones or because I speak up a little too loud. Just know I'll be here, I'll still be trying to do the right thing and I'll promise to let you know you're not insane for how you feel. In your darkest moments even if you feel wrong, even if you don't think you'll be okay in the end, I'll be there, flaws and all, not for glory but just for the love of the game and I will try and help you, I will try to help you in the way no one ever helped me.