longer.blue

I've taken some time to think. I have struggled, I have not looked after myself, I have not eaten, I barely sleep and I have not given myself the time to grieve the sudden loss of my family members. Aside from one person I never shared the worst of what was going on with me and as things got worse and worse I shared less and less of what was happening to me with them and so I will share something here because as I have found it helps me to feel better. All my life I have been scrutinized and bullied. Beaten by my sister, mentally picked apart by my mother because of my autism and had my strength belittled by my father while he was quite violent towards me. I was hated by a lot of people right from the get go, as a child I was violent and angry in response to my environment, as I got older I tried my hardest to unlearn that and I did. my behaviour and the person I am can be difficult, awkward and does not make an ideal friend especially because all I have known is discontentment and generally just feeling unwanted, I never really got a chance to learn how to be like everyone else. I always kind of felt like an alien next to everyone else and I was treated as such, I've come to recognise the gossip that happens about me in the background and the signs of it, I know what to expect, I know when it's happening, it's always something different every time and I could never quite improve and become likable. When I was a kid my first ever boyfriend tried to kill me in broad daylight in front of people I knew, he jumped me from behind and attacked me with very little restraint, people just stood there and watched, when someone did stop him and got his knee off my neck they did not do it for me, they did it for him, when I stood up the first thing I remember as I came to was seeing him get hugged by someone and people checked on me but I was alone again, he was not. Sometimes, I believe I am cursed, like there's a part of me I just can not see that slowly dismantles any love for me that I could ever have been blessed with, even from my own family. Some people like me when they meet me, it's difficult because I know that over time they just always seem to just fade out of view, to a lot of people friendships are transactional and unfortunately I just cant give them what they want and I'm just not worth the trouble. I remain isolated, all of the time, I see people living in peace and it's hard for me because I know for certain I will never be like that, I just don't have it in me to be likable and at peace. I try everyday but slowly trying has started to become impossible, psychosis at some point just became a part of my life, as my ptsd and my mental health decline got worse and worse I became less myself and more just everything I'm feeling. people started to see my struggle on the outside instead of on the inside, people found it disturbing and their reasons for pushing me away were more valid than ever. I know when people don't like me, it is the most recognisable thing I know, It's a pain I don't have it in me to deal with anymore and yet I have no choice, I never did. I tried to take my own life a while ago, I don't remember exactly when but it was a difficult choice, I knew I was likely to never find what it was I wanted out of life and I knew it would only get harder from here, as I expected, it did. I put my vr headset and my laptop in a drawer, I tidied my apartment and I sat there on my bed asking my self "so, how are we going to do this?" I had planned to cut my wrists and sit down in the crappy stained shower cubicle in my apartment and quietly pass away, the people I knew would not mourn me, I knew that and so I was okay with not worrying about what I might leave behind. My stepfather had taken his life not long ago as well and that was difficult for me to work through, it definitely made me hesitate. I had moved for university and the people I knew or had that might have helped me through this moment were not there, I never wanted to go to uni, I stopped planning for my life a while ago because I figured it would just end by this point. All my dishes and cutlery were dirty and I didn't want to kill myself with a dirty knife so I decided to clean one and as I stood there, washing a knife over my fly infested dirty dishes I started to try to dig into my memories in the hopes that maybe there would be something, anything that could convince me against this. I remembered when I used to visit my father back in the day, every weekend, and we would play borderlands 2 together and so I decided before I would take my life I would play that game one more time and I dusted off my old ps3 and I did. I played borderlands 2 and I got pretty far and then I played littlebigplanet2 and then I played bioshock infinite, actually played bioshock infinite to completion, I quite liked it, it honestly had a great ending. I kid you not I looked at my bathroom door and I just thought, nah, I don't care enough to kill myself right now, I spent a few days playing video games. I came back online and a friend of mine from resonite and people who supported my game development all banded together to figure out where I was and they tried to get help to me, they had called my uni and the uni never sent someone out, never even called the police. some people I knew declared that my "suicide attempt" was bullshit, the reality is it was never any of their business, it was so incredibly personal to me and I left a note online before I left, talking about how I feel like I could never become a likable or good person. That issue never went away, its still here and I very much cannot do much about it, people would insist my personal problems or my behaviour are for attention or are not real but those same people would go to hell and high waters to make sure they would never be anything like me because they know what comes with it, the reality is if those same people had to go through what I have gone through they would be dead. I'm still trying more than ever to try and figure out why everyone hates me, why I don't deserve to be treated like a human being, I saw hope when someone I knew said it out loud, a friend of mine, unprompted one night, apologised directly for not treating me like a human being, said she didn't know why she didn't, that she didn't know what compelled her to be that way. It drives me insane, I ask people why they don't like me time and time again and they never have an answer, I just have a "poisonous vibe" I love with all my heart, I do everything I can to help anyone in need, I will fight tooth and nail for people I barely know and yet I am still always just a problem, I have saved lives, I am no coward and I am certainly not poisonous. I am not a problem to be solved, I am not just a poisonous runt, I am a person, I am a highly complex, heavily conflicted and heavy hearted person and I AM FUCKING TRYING!!!!!!!! I am doing my best to do right by people, I do not run away from problems I cause, I stick around and I try and make things right even when I know it will kick my ass. I am not just a troublemaker. If you're sitting here and reading this and going "oh yeah lol this is totally his fault he chose to do this to himself" first of all, you're a dumbass, you cant read and I hope you stub your toe, second of all why would anyone want to live like this, this isn't a choice, people don't seem to understand that, my life is a living hell, not the "consequences of my actions" it is a constant. consequences are for learning and yet I see no lesson in-fact the only lesson I have seen on rare occasions is "if you see something bad happening look the other way" and that is a lesson I very much fucking refuse to learn. Everything I do these days is just lie there, hurting, knowing the people I love hate me, or that I used to love anyways, that is not the actions of a careless individual that everyone seems to believe I am. I feel sorry, I feel regret for every ounce of the nothing I've done wrong. every day. I am not poisonous, I am a human being, I always was and from this point forwards, I'm not letting anyone tell me who I am.