longer.blue

to be clear: The reason I get so anal about my birthday every year: I have to fight yearly for a cake always blamed and put down for wanting one because its "Expensive" While everyone yes my mother and brothers included never have to beg for one, never have to pay for their own birthday Every single year I make plans with people and every single year all but 1 - 2 people entirely ditch. This has been happening for 14 years in a row. Before that I had no friends. My mother and eldest brother often mess up their sleep schedules before my birthday on purpose to change their sleep times to miss it. Then I'm left alone unless my other brother's insomnia hasn't messed up his by accident. If his is messed up from insomnia im in an entirely silent house. 20 (the majority) of my birthdays have had 0 decorations 0 presents, and I had to make my own food including when young. While fighting for even a storebought doughnut or anything. While everyone around me including my brothers got everything for theirs. Every year I see similar patterns play out among friend groups where the majority get everything from family and friends, then turn around and never care enough to show up and be there even when I show up for them. At this point I feel too old to keep being patient because this is the last birthday I may ever celebrate because im finding less and less reasons to even want a birthday anymore every year because of getting older and things just getting harder and worse in life. I'm drained, exhausted, tired. I have moderated for so many friends streams without so much as a thanks. I've helped friends through numerous breakups without so much as a thanks. I have helped friends with their college art projects, their social media, their actual job work they get paid for, without even so much as acknowledgement that I did anything nice. And while I dont do it for thanks or acknowledgement overtime with favors piled so high on my shoulders It hurts from the pressure, so much responsibility I have never been able to shake I've lived with since I could walk, talk and breathe and more and more being piled on me. It starts to hurt when people won't even look at me. Its why I ask for just one day a year where I can stop being responsible, stop being strong, to just be told "hey im glad you're alive and I love you thanks for everything you did this year I'm glad you were born" Is it so ridiculous or wrong to want to hear "happy birthday" which to me means all those things? Is that such a ridiculous request for all I go through every year? To be seen? Last year it was my friends Moxi, Gothy, Yuri, Berry, Kitty, Sol, Sona, Nixx that showed up for me was there for me. (Excluding anyone from bluesky I'm talking multi-platform close talk every day types of friends) Everyone else that met that criteria ditched, they weren't there or ghosted or went out with friends and partners on last minute plans breaking plans with me. And I'm not taking for granted those friends or erasing the fact they showed up or cared, and I acknowledge and recognize thats still quite a few people. I am thankful, grateful for it. But it doesn't erase the hurt and devestation everyone else causes, it doesn't erase that. I can hold two truths, two emotions at once and every year I painfully do. Every birthday is bitter and sweet, not just happy. I was a streamer a vtuber for awhile I did a birthday stream. and all my mutual friends went to my friends stream to support her showering her in gifts telling her shes such a great friend for spending time streaming with me on my birthday. You know how that made me feel? Like I was some great charity case and she was a saint for spending time with me. And she took it all went on about how she was with me because no one else was and she wanted to help me graciously accepting everything sent to her as she spent half the stream talking to her chat or our other friend who was with us rather than speaking to me. While I sat posting my stream to all my friends over and over hoping my friends would pop in hoping they would come see me for just a moment like a virtual hug. The stream lasted for 3 days. Every stream in those 3 days were 6 hours long. No one came, they never came they went to her. This is not just with streams this is the constant pattern I have been in my whole life. It's never me I'm never a priority I'm never chosen by everyone I love and care about even on the day society says people are supposed to care, even on the day everyone else gets celebrated around me. Theres only a handful of people who choose me only a handful who make me their priority and that hurts. Because outside my birthday these other people arent usually bad people and I love them like family they even call me their family. But they aren't here and I keep giving them chances and they never come. I have had people tell me to just make new friends ditch them I've done that so many times every year but its always this way. I could make 1000 friends and only 1 person out of every 1000 would ever show up. It is tiring, and while some people may say they are happy with just one friend and that is enough. I'm not, I simply am not. If that makes me a greedy person so be it. I'm grateful for that one person but it doesn't mean I only want one person in my life. For me I see it (not in literal terms) by you need the home, the family, the friends. 1 person is the home (your lover) 6 people are the family (Dad, Mother, Sister, Brother, grandma, grandpa) and then 3 people are the friends. I see it as a happy life is atleast 10 people in it who would show up to your funeral if you died or your birthday while you live. I want as many friends to lean on as i have fingers. Maybe its an odd way to live but its my way and trying to force myself to be happy would be being untrue to myself. But even if I had all 10, would I be truly human if it didn't still hurt when people didn't care for me the way they care for others? Would I truly be able to say it doesn't bother me when people don't seem to care about me? I don't think so. I could lie to the world, I cannot lie to myself and I will not live a lie and call it self love. It's self denial for me.