longer.blue

Hello my lovelies. So as you probably saw I didn't post a schedule for this week. And there is a very good reason for that. I've been having kind of an existential crisis... but lemme explain. I debuted (I use the term loosely because unlike a ton of other VTubers I didn't really make a debut) earlier this year in January and started streaming on Twitch the development of my 2D horror game "Companions In The Dark". It was a way for me push myself into working on my game through all my fears and preconceptions. And it was nice. At first I didn't think I would really stick with it due to past experiences streaming as a "fleshtuber" (this term is cursed, I'm sorry, but it is). However, streaming as a VTuber is an incredibly fun experience, and it always makes me smile when I mess with my model trying to do goofy expression before every streams. It's fun. I love it. It cheers me up every single damn time. This paired with the idea and the vision to show game development openly and focusing on the journey and how to improve day by day felt like a really really strong idea for streaming even if it is kinda niche (and on top of that, being a VTuber makes it also niche, so a niche on a niche, for a very small dog). But, as it's been 10 months since I started I decided to finally do a review of the numbers to have a reality check of what I was doing and how viable it was. The numbers are really really disheartening. Don't get me wrong, I knew from the start they would be exceptionally catastrophic, but even then I might have had too much hope for those. And, after that realization, I started to loose faith in my abilities and the vision I wanted to bring to life. So I took to Reddit and ask if, on paper, the vision I had is something people would be interested in. I know it's not the best benchmark, but it gives me at least an idea, right? Well, long story short, the vision seems okay and a lot of people actually are able to thrive as both content creators and game developers. This is great news! But it's also bad news, because it means that the execution is bad. That my execution is bad. It stings a little to say that, but it's the sad reality. So, this is not really something I'm happy to realize but better late than never. Which means, now what? Well I have to adapt because even if the current state of affairs is fun, I still want to be able to find an audience for my content in a way that grows a bit more steadily than what I have now. This means, I need to take some time to rethink how I make videos and also, strengthened by this experience, how I can better handle my (already limited) time to make it happen while still continuing what I love. But, life is *really* fun (/s) and my finals are coming, quite quickly actually, then I have to see my family for two weeks in December (which means no streaming 😭) and I also have my actual work to support myself. So I need to lighten the schedules I've been doing so I can conserve energy for both my finals and devising another plan to make content that I'm still proud of while being much more entertaining for you guys. Because I am not that entertaining of a person. This then means multiple changes: 1. For the next few weeks we won't have streams on game development. I know it sounds counter intuitive but I also lost faith in my ability to bring to life the vision I have for Companions In The Dark. The game will be stashed indefinitely and I will come back to it after I built up better skills (especially in making interesting AI to fight and a much more expressive AI for the cat). We will come back to it at some point. I promise. However, if I release it with my actual skills, it will be terrible and I don't want to. 2. The Quickshell streams will be axed (well, with how many times I've been cancelling them, is it really a surprise to anyone? Surely not.) so I can focus on games, game development and "art". And make these three the pillars of my content. 3. For the next few weeks, I will reduce my streaming frequency to 3 times a week while doing mostly games and some pixel art streams (for the funsies, not for a game this time). I want to get better at it and it might help me to draw an actual illustration. And I want to make a fan-art for LychieBee because Bluesky moot lol Similarly, I have a bucket list of things to change for my content, mainly: 1. I need to think of a conception for a new game that is much easier to make (to a degree) and to which I can create public play-tests for you guys in about 3-4 months of work. Also, have a better schedule when working on it. So I can be way more productive than on CitD. 2. I need to find ways to make my shorts in faster ways while still keeping them interesting to me. I've been getting better at video editing but I'm still way too slow when I try to make a short with actual content (like the first I did) because I have this compulsive need to fact-check what I'm saying so there is no possible mistakes, even in a 60s video. (and also I've been having a hard time making shorts that I can find both entertaining and interesting. I'm not really into shorts so it doesn't help.) 3. I need to find a way to make the core of my content... well... the true core of my content. That is, make videos that encompasses the game dev streams and some narration so it's also a much better alternative to watch game dev content from me that also much better respect the viewers time while still serving as a fun devlog to watch. I also really really need to make them not that technical and saving the technical part for other videos 4. I need to finish and publish the big video on Kernel-Level Anti-Cheat that I've been researching and writting for a while now because I think the premise of the video is interesting and I have a lot to say about those. Low level development is an area were I feel much skilled than in game development ngl. Expect to see changes in my content gradually through the course of early 2026. --- Honestly, this is a temporary setback. The combination of an awful week-end + my dumbass being "duh and what if I did the performance review I know will suck" really didn't help. But, **this does not reduce my motivation**, quite the contrary. I still want to show that *The Journey is More Important than the Destination*™️ And this will not stop me from doing exactly that. Even if this time doing my best wasn't enough, it's time to change perspective and still try. I prefer failing over and over again than being too scared to try again. And I hope y'all be there with me for the ride. 💖