longer.blue

So...I alluded to running with anxiety earlier this week. In counseling we dove in and unearthed some fucking big things to work on. It turns out, maybe, I might be stopping myself from MORE growth, as in, the part of Dan that hates Dan thinks he's done too much. Or that somehow I don’t deserve to grow, don’t deserve to be better, or don’t deserve to enjoy running. When I stop short, play it safe, let myself of the hook when it gets too hard, or pull back during a workout, I beat myself up. In a way, it's self sabotage. I get stuck in my head- I let myself off the hook and give that part of me the chance to beat me up. At times running can serve as a vehicle for those "old tapes" of my mom's voice to play out. I fell in love with running, and love the challenge of intentionally doing something hard...“chosen suffering”, where I take back control from some of my past, from being abused, etc. Its a weird double edged sword. I am still processing all this but it was a HUGE session unearthing this. In counseling I'll work on all this, and may shift some personal goals and change my current relationship with running! As I move forward, social accountability will be big...hence why I am sharing.