longer.blue

the first cat that lived at this apartment was dr esperanza noisewater I aka "the octagon", recipient of not one but two different references to a monologue from Anchorman performed by Paul Rudd. 2005 was a really fuckin difficult year, but spranzy was a highlight, a brown tiger arriving right at the end so we wouldn't forget. we named her the first bc we knew there would be more, and not too long after we welcomed mme svetlana westfall II esq, attorney-at-law who got a third reference to the same monologue. she was as grey as night is dark and one of the most beautiful cats you'll ever see. as sisters they were generally combative but they always agreed on us. i'm reminded that not everyone knows that cats generally see their humans as very weirdly proportioned cats with frankly out of control paws and fur they seem to remove and replace at a whim. i've come to believe this take even accepting that it may not be a fact at all, because it vibes with my viewpoint that cats see us as equals. they also see us as resource objects, sure; but you have to trust a resource object. trust and respect -- so far as they are known to exist in some quantifiable way -- lay the foundation for a mutually beneficial relationship amongst peers. sure some of the peers do more of the scooping and some do more of minding their business, but some of the peers don't know how to purr without putting SO much effort into it that you just feel bad for 'em. please humans give yourselves some grace: even veterinary and animal sciences don't know how they purr so it's okay if you can't pull it off. no, really, i know, i do it too, it's... it's okay. i know it doesn't sound right to them when i meow, but they don't know what i'm saying with words anyway, so our speech is just jazz to them. anyway! cats are our peers and svoot and spranz were our sisters. they each had their roles: esperanza would be the sweetest warmest lovingest critter who would also eat your snacks if it amused you, and svetlana would hiss at everyone until the noise died down enough for her to settle in somewhere cozy. you know those people who always say "oh every cat LOVES ME. even mean kitties. i'm just so good with even feral cats" etc etc and you like watch them with every cat and they're honestly like magic and you wonder if they lowkey have like catnip oil on their wrists or whatever. i'll tell you their secret because i am one of them: they just really love every cat. because they know how it feels when the cat no one likes picks you to love on, and then the next time you see the cat they remember you. svetlana wasn't like that. her hiss was more of a casual greeting for guests, even ones that came over regularly for years and years. you know people who involuntarily shrink around cats, not because they're allergic, and not because they're afraid, but because these people are secure and firm that they are Not Cat People? and those people are fine! not everyone gets along with every critter! but svetlana would jump on their laps and just look at them with those gigantic haunted eyes, and give an admittedly loud but still sweet meow. if they pet her she'd settle in for a few minutes then hop off to hide. if they hesitated or flinched she'd sit down anyway. and if they talked to her she'd hiss in their face and run off. my partner picked her out from the humane society after we met her and she played with my oversized wallet chain (2006 was kinda late for one but she didn't know that) and snuggled into her arms when she held her. so we brought her home and she was so small and spranzy was already getting pretty big that their fights seemed imbalanced but svoot could bring the speed because she felt like she weighed ounces, not pounds. but she didn't appear underweight, so we called her "bird bones". my partner would pick her up and she would fart to show displeasure and get set down, so we called her "fart bear". she was a lot easier with me because she picked me right away. i sometimes fancifully imagine she read the vibe that esperanza was decidedly my partner's cat but that's not true. she matched my energy so precisely, so immediately, and let me pet her without hesitation (a distinction she'd withhold from my partner for actual calendar years afterwards). she also liked to hide in the hood of my hoodie when i was wearing it, after JUMPING FROM THE GODDAMN FLOOR ONTO MY SHOULDERS. her claws always hurt a little but never enough to get me to discourage her, esp since sometimes she'd do it to hide. she was even mean to esperanza when spranzy was dying. she was also mean to the third sister who joined us later that year. 7 years together and svoot never let go of her first impression that this fucker was bad news. (she was wrong, of course: chichilo laguardia velociraptor III loves pets more than anyone and is an accomplished interior designer.) they always fought but also never ate each others' treats or food, and also let each other take turns playing with the laser pointer (i still don't know how they hold the button down and aim it) but svetlana always loved me. even later on when i wasn't sure if she could see or hear so well anymore she'd always know it was my hand in front of her face so she could feel free to bite it without injuring a guest in our home. and her teeth never stopped being strong. she was even mean to chichilo when svetlana herself was dying. just all piss and vinegar (and love and affection for some!) while doing her best to show everyone around her who's boss and getting lost in translation. but i knew what she meant. i'm pretty sure she was born in 2006, so she was somewhere between 19 and 20. maybe 18. a long time. the subject of thousands of photos i've taken both with a camera and a phone. (i even posted a video of her eating peas to youtube once. it has less than 100 views as her content is as exclusive and rare as its subject.) i have friends who couldn't believe she was still around and that was years ago. and she was until she wasn't, and now she's gone. it's not strange that she's gone. i knew she wouldn't be around forever. i didn't feel like i forgot to say anything to her, or resolve an unsettled issue, or maybe i should have given her more treats or shown her more love. we always communicated, i gave her precisely as much love and treats as she could stand, and we hashed out disputes as they came up with no room for resentment. i even got her fresh sockeye salmon once and she made it clear she was expecting the canned shit with gravy, thank you very much. as acidic and sharp as she was, i can imagine her reaction to most things: a hiss. she would hiss at most things. but she was always excited to get an ice cube for her water dish, but not nearly as much as she loved drinking water from a tap or a pitcher refilling her dish. all this to say, i will never not be reminded of her. her ghost doesn't have to haunt me bc her memory will never leave me. (though i fully expect to be haunted by her ghost all the same; she was a peculiar sort of cat and i expect that to continue.) i know i'm going to be really sad for a while and i'll continue to miss her for the rest of my life. that's her parting gift to me. so thanks, svetlana. you're the best cat i'll ever know.