longer.blue

Rant incoming about Mental bullshit, prefacing it with I'm okay just feeling down as usual: Without Welbutrin I've had no energy. I'm passing out after work, which is leading me to have trouble sleeping which is leading to waking up early. I've been up since 3 AM today and am probably going to pass out soon after work. On just the Zoloft I feel the cusp of happiness. I smile when I hold my cat. I find myself singing and smiling. But I have no energy or interest in doing anything and lose focus. Despite feeling like I'm "happy" I don't feel alive and my mind drifts to ways to make me feel that, but they aren't proper. I opt to starve myself because the feeling of hunger is tangible and controllable. I opt to work out harder because the pain feels real. I hate feeling "Okay" but at war with my mind and body. All this going on inside my head while I see people complaining about the US saying we should do more hurts me. I'm too exhausted to live because I'm fighting myself, how the hell am I supposed to have any energy to fight others who wish to ruin a lot of things for a lot of people. I just feel defeated, because the voices of everyone outside feel like an echo chamber of my mind. All the thoughts of how I'm useless, worthless, incompetent, etc. How I don't even bother trying half the time. I want to do more. I want to help people. I want things to be okay for others. But I've spent so much of my life trying to make an effort for others, when can I make an effort for myself and when is something good going to happen to me. I know that sounds like I'm ungrateful or just expecting good things to happen but I'm just sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of feeling helpless to help the people I care about. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going through the motions every day.