longer.blue

**The electric meatball inside of my skull is full of fuck.** This is going to be all over the place, bear with me as I get my thoughts out. Struggling to find my own self worth tonight. Kind words from **[REDACTED]** helped but it wasn't enough to cut through the bullshit my brain is lobbing at me. I *know* my owner cares about me, I *know* I have "fans" of sorts, I *know* I have friends and I still have this soul crushing loneliness that creeps in and digs its claws in deep. I feel like I have an anchor tied to my chest when this happens and I can't shake the funk it puts me in, at least not easily. I'm taking my meds, I'm going to therapy, I'm doing all the right steps and it just doesn't seem to get any easier. It's so frustrating to be throwing myself into fixing what's going on in my head for the last 2 years and see so little progress. I'm still trapped in my house with agoraphobia, I'm still having intense BPD episodes, I still have an anxious attachment style. I thought "getting better" would make these things less intense, less frequent and less of a factor in my life. But instead I've acquired a toolkit to white knuckle my way through episodes and a tackle box full of pills that I'm not entirely sure are helping anymore. I recently came out of the longest manic episode I've ever experienced and I'm afraid that some of the choices I made during that time are going to bite me in the ass, and hard, soon. I can act like a real fool sometimes and make really bad choices against my better judgement. Time will tell if this is one of those situations. Maybe I'm dwelling on recent mistakes too much, maybe I'm looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. Maybe I am a fake and a fraud. Maybe it is all a façade and I'm watching it crumble. Who knows? I don't. At least I'm not drinking this away tonight.