longer.blue

My dearest Reuben, I am so fucking sorry. I failed you. I was your person, your dad, your world, and I failed you. You were the bestest boy anyone could’ve asked for. You would do anything for even just an ounce of love or a treat. You were happiest in my arms or sleeping next to me on the couch. You endured moving with me to five different states. You handled a literal cross country move like a champ. You saved my sanity through my divorce and the hell of a mistake that was vet school. You were my rock. You didn’t know how many times you literally saved my life. Your unconditional love kept me from ending it all so many goddamn times. I owe you my life, and I would willingly give mine if it meant you’d come back to another happy home. I don’t know how I’m going to handle things now without you here. Who am I going to hug when times are shitty? Who am I going to choose to live for when my brain goes to the dark places? Maybe I’ll finally get lucky for once and you’ll be waiting for me on the other side. I did not deserve you, and you deserved so much better. I hope you were as happy on the inside as you were on the out. I hope you felt as loved as you were. And I hope you somehow knew during your final hours that you weren’t forgotten. You weren’t abandoned. I don’t know why fate kept us from finding one another. I don’t know why fate brought you back to the house when I wasn’t at the door to let you in. I don’t know why I didn’t leave the goddamn door open. I will NEVER forgive myself. I will NEVER forget seeing your tiny wet footprints across the deck. You came back while I wasn’t there and I missed you and now you’re gone forever. I will live with that guilt forever, and I deserve the pain of knowing I failed you. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much. I hope I see you again soon. I’m leaving your bowl here, so you know that, despite me not being here when you came back, I never forgot you. I never abandoned you. I will always be here in spirit so that your spirit is never alone. God, please forgive me, Mr. Reubens. Please know I was trying, searching, hurting. Please, know. I will miss waking up and telling you “welcome to the day Mr. Reubens.” I will miss you running circles around the apartment and running into walls when you were bat shit crazy excited for a treat. I will miss the look in your eyes when I held you in my arms and petted your belly. I tried my best, which is never enough. Lastly, I will miss singing to you: 🎶I love my Reuuubens Oh yes I doooo-bens Cuz him the beessst-bens And him my beesssst friends🎶 In fact, I offer that song up to you now, as I stand here on this porch, where I watched your tiny little wet paw prints slowly evaporate as I stood, resigned to know that I failed. I missed you. I abandoned you. The cruelest visual metaphor life has ever given me. Again, I love you. I always did. I always will. I’m so sorry. I hope to see you soon. ⁃ Dad