longer.blue

As I'm breaking down yet again,, I feel worthless and alone. Last few months have geniuely broke me down to the point where there is geniuely not a single day were I wonder if I should be alive, am I worth helping,, if there is even the possibility of being happy and it just doesn't seem like that's possible. I haven't slept for 48+ hours, only way I can calm down is meds or the hope that the few friends still wanting to talk to me are able to chat me out of things. A lot of people have taken a break from me and though I understand it ,, it's made me feel like it validates my thoughts in my head that I am truely not needed anymore.. and I don't have an answer on how to get better because bad things just keep happening to me and I end up just crying in bed all night . I won't lie and say I haven't gotten very close to legitimately just ending it, but feel like I chicken out. It's hard to stay positive at all when my world as I know it has crumbled slowly more and more . People who meant the world to me are now gone from my life . I am seeing a therapist had to upgrade to twice a week and I'm taking meds to calm me down a bit. But some days hurt more then others tbh. I don't do any thing to make someone feel bad but I genuinely am feeling at the end of my rope some days.. I wish I could magically be happy and turn this off like a light switch in my brain but legitimately this is the worst my life has ever been period. I feel trapped in a loop that I truely can't escape from. Between feeling the need to have to talk to my piece of shit father out of the fear of losing my house, dealing with wondering if certain people in my life even would care if I just disappeared one day and didn't make another post ,, the problem is it's hard for me to even know. It feels like anytime something positive happens in my life , life decides to punch be down further and sometimes it punches me hard enough where it feels like I can't breathe. I write this down after I have broke down yet again geniuely crying so much my eyes dried out. And I can only say I wish I didn't feel like this but I won't lie to people. The events of the last few months combined broke me, mentally and physically. I haven't been able to draw, play games , or even exist without feeling depression and anxiety hang over me . I wish I knew what to do, I wish I didn't feel like every word I say makes people hate me more,, I wish I didn't have to question if I am gonna have enough strength left in me to even get up in the morning. I can only hang on to the small and slowly faded hope that I have left because frankly I don't have much left in me. I'm sorry truly if my life brings you pain ,, Lucy