longer.blue

hey I’m christina but most know me as froax. throughout the past nearly three months, I have been going through a very random and highly progressive illness. I’ve had over 12 separate symptoms, have been 15 doctors so far including multiple PCP’s, specialists, surgeons, you name it, and have underwent a series of tests including various blood and antibody testing, MRI’s, physical therapy, CT scans, mental health evaluations, and soon to be a lumbar puncture procedure in just a few weeks. I have lost my ability to walk, swallow, speak clearly, balance, breathe normally, among a few other personal symptoms. eventually, these symptoms have calmed down a lot and my next test for answers is tomorrow. being gaslit by medical professionals is awful. getting your health insurance revoked while your MRI’s alone are over $21k each session every few months is disgusting, and being told “it’s just your anxiety” while you have a 13mm lesion on your spinal cord is.. beyond words. it’s not uncommon for a person to visit multiple medical professionals until they find one that finally listens to them. I have been under the care of two separate psychologists and various therapists to monitor my declining mental health on top of the specialists and hospitalizations for my physical symptoms. between the lack of support to my illness and symptoms. it’s very hard to manage on my own, especially living far away from any and all family relatives. times like these I wish I could hug my family and instantly feel so much better. unfortunately, that’s not an option, so my friends and family who have reached out either through text, a DM, a phone call; etc. meant so much to me and has kept me motivated to find out answers, get proper treatment, and continue on in my journey. at first we thought it was a simple, common autoimmune neurological condition but the more we explore, the more none of this makes any sense, medically. throughout this time, I have eagerly tried to communicate with those who I trusted, cared about the most, and loved so dearly to no avail. i have successfully removed every single person who has ignored me for months while i’ve been going through hell and being ignored when i needed my friends the most. there are people, including friends and family, who haven’t even bothered to respond, check in, or ask how i’m doing. it took a lot of strength to let go of people i loved so deeply. this decision wasn’t spontaneous or made out of anger. i’ve been patient for nearly three months, hoping things would change, and they haven’t. being constantly ignored during one of the hardest periods of my life made me feel like a burden, when in reality, my body was at war with itself. i experienced partial paralysis, constant hospitalizations, and so much uncertainty, which made having communication, support, and comfort from the people closest to me incredibly important. once i’m better and on proper treatment, i know some of those same people will probably reach out again. but honestly, that’s part of what hurt the most. people shouldn’t only care when you’re doing well, when you’re happy, or when you’re finally able to be there for them again. being there for someone when they’re struggling is when genuine care matters most. if this illness has taught me anything, it’s how strong i actually am and how important it can be to let go of people who don’t deserve the love, effort, and space you’ve given them. sometimes protecting yourself means accepting that certain people simply aren’t meant to stay in your life. if this applies to any of you and you are reading this or find this relevant to you, i’m genuinely sorry, but i had to do what’s best for myself and need to surround myself with those who have shown me genuine care instead of those who have shown me that i was nothing but a burden. no one owes anyone an explanation or a response at all, but those who take two to three seconds out of their day to write a simple “hey, thinking of you” message or even one simple emoji, that meant everything to me. that has genuinely kept me going this entire time. I wish you guys could understand how important that was to me. there are so many details and moving parts to this that not everyone knows about as I haven’t openly discussed a lot of it. when I’m gaming or working with animals, that’s my escape from it all on the good days where I’m somewhat able-bodied. I wish I could explain the full story, and maybe one day I’ll have the courage to. for those who have stood by my side throughout all of this, I genuinely want to thank you. for my fallout community, I want to thank you as well. and for those of you who I’ve had to let go of, if you’re reading this, i will always root for your health, happiness, and success even if we no longer speak. I’m not done fighting for answers, and hopefully treatment is just around the corner. I had the urge to explain letting go as well as thanking those who refused to let me go. just like my grandma told me in a phone call, “you never know how strong you truly are until you have no choice but to be strong.” anyways, thanks for reading. with love always, froax ♡