longer.blue

Body image has been on my mind a lot. For me, growing up in a conservative and Latino home, a lot of what I feel now and in the past came from these two worlds. I have always been a big guy, and because of that, I never wanted to show any of my body. In college, I was asked to go shirtless for a small part in an opera, and that was the most mortifying thing that could have happened to me. Not only was I battling the conservative thoughts in my head but also the shame I thought it would bring to my Latino mother. LOL. I begged for them to let me keep my shirt on. All I could think was what my mom was going to say. You would have thought I was going to be completely nude in this opera. But no, it was just a very quick shirtless moment. You see, a lot of the shame I was feeling was because of the types of things I did, like competing in pageants where Mom unknowingly caused me to feel bad about my weight. To the point where I couldn't eat in front of people. Mom always reminded me that people were watching, and not only did I have to dress well but also watch what I ate. While there were other things in my life where I did show some skin, like in those early AOL chat room days LOL , I did still feel so much shame. Even now, some people unknowingly body-shame me because of the butterfly portraits I did, but thank God I am navigating it so much better. Even though I am still struggling with my body image, I am doing my best through my art to tell my story. I must say this: I love my mom very much; she was just doing what she thought was right for me. While it did cause me pain and I am still learning from it, I also understand that she did the best she could do. So as you all see me shirtless and covered in butterflies, remember I am just trying to learn how to love myself and live my life in this body that is always not cooperative. In closing, now that Mom is gone, I could hear her saying, 'Gosh, Isaias, what are you doing? You need to keep busy and stop putting that nonsense out there. Plus, remember your older brother works for the president. You don't want those people to see that mess.' I miss my beautiful mom. Thank you, Mom, for all your love, even when some of it was painful. I'll get through it.