longer.blue

Trust more times than not is a mutual thing and when I distrust people that may be directly as a result of my own distrust in them. I should never have been driven to try and feed my own fears of those I love or that I care about by invasively dredging up their personal worst mistakes Infront of them as if they have never once felt regret. Regardless of how bad their choices were it was never my position to be a judge and jury. I have been entitled, I have expected too much simply because of my own trust in people. My trust in people does not entitle me to their loyalty. Butting heads and losing trust in people because they did not follow the same intense moral expectations I set myself or because they have made mistakes or choices I did not agree with is immature and depending on the context absolutely ridiculous. I have no right to come to conclusions about other people's choices and condemn them for them especially when I do not know them enough to know why they made them, I have not walked a mile in their shoes, for all I know their decisions for reasons not too in-similar to mine, personal, or they could be far too complex for me to understand. To build on this, I have treated people close to me so badly because of my inability to realise when I worry that they don't care about me affects people I care about and my fears that people do not care about me may be so inaccurate that it greatly hurts those that do. My actions in response to that will contribute to that becoming a reality as they realise my trust in them has broken down they too may follow that and from my perspective it will look as if they have always lied about their care for me when in reality it was me that greatly contributed to that breakdown in trust. For me to recognise this so late is no-ones fault and if it really is anyone's then it is my own, my actions and choices are my responsibility, we all learn things at different rates and it is not other people's responsibility to recognise and help me understand my own actions. Also I apologise for the way I write, its like a condensed brick of feelings and thoughts, I recognise assaulting people with thought bricks is also a problem of mine, should really give more people time to process and understand my thoughts over time rather than condensing it into a brick and thundercunting it at them, expecting them to understand and getting irritated when they don't. Before this trains rolls a little far off the tracks it is fundamentally important I make something known, I'm sorry to those I have hurt unjustly and my discontentment towards those I have hurt has all but evaporated and I have recognised my failures clearly, however, all though I am changing the way I go about things I my boundaries will remain the same. If I believe someone is being hurt I will make sure not to act without thought like I have previously but I will not hesitate to step in immediately, regardless of if I believe someone else will do it instead, this depends on context and the environment. Sometimes it is not my place to do that but and in future I will consider this. Being afraid of confrontation does not align with my personal values and I will not hesitate to do so if I am required to. Some will see this as barbaric and I understand that, it is why some people would shy away from that but it has resulted in me actually saving lives on multiple occasions and so it is not something I will change. I will continue to communicate properly with those I care about and make sure I will do what I can to support them if they are going down a road that worries me but now I will do it while respecting and understanding their boundaries and taking them seriously like they deserve to be, with respect. If you believe any of my thoughts here aren't grounded or reasonable you are welcome to talk to me about it here or on another platform, even if you do not know me, being challenged on my ideas is integral to my improvement.