longer.blue

Do you ever have a song that invokes strong, physical emotions for you? In one of the harder times of my life, I was realizing my relationship with my ex was coming to an end. Maybe it had ended a while ago. I found myself playing 'Waves' by chloe moriondo over and over. It's a short song, so I can put the lyrics below: Sometimes I feel like I wanna go back To a time before my mind turned black I miss the way it was When instead of just my gooey brains All that melted was popsicles, and the rain just pelted down Down on me Make me into more than a goner Perhaps a little bit stronger Thicker skin, less needy And maybe to not bruise so damn easily, but you can't And I won't I want you to help keep me from growing older Just let me snot on your shoulder When all that I'm thinking 'bout is her Her Give me everything you got Don't need drugs 'cause I can already feel my head rot And it won't stop It won't stop It won't stop It won't stop It won't stop Please, slow down Please, slow down Make it all slow down Make it all slow down Make it all slow down I think at the time, I blamed myself for a lot of things. The relationship was failing because of me. I was so sad because of me. I felt out of control because of me. And a part of me just thought it was too late. I longed for the days I felt okay, happy, normal. I didn't realize the dark cloud that always hovered over me was because I was with this person. I'm not putting blame on one or the other (that's another blog post haha) but when you're so stuck in the shit, you can tend to only blame yourself when nothing is changing. Anyway, I had this song play while listening to my sad playlist on Spotify. I hadn't heard it in months, and when it came on again I started tearing up and could feel my heart breaking. I'm listening to it over and over. Not because I'm in that same headspace again, but because it now means so much to me. I listen to it and I think of the times I played it over and over, sitting in the dark. I listened to it while my ex slept next to me, knowing something didn't feel safe or right. And listening to it now honors who I was back then - someone that didn't think they would make it out.