longer.blue

Trust more times than not is a mutual thing and when I distrust people that may be directly as a result of my own distrust in them. I should never have been driven to try and justify my own fears of those I love or that I care about by invasively dredging up their personal worst mistakes Infront of them as if they have never once felt regret. Regardless of how bad their choices were it was never my position to be a judge and jury. I have acted entitled, I have expected too much simply because of my own trust in people. My trust in people does not entitle me to their loyalty. Butting heads and losing trust in people I know because they did not follow the same intense moral expectations I set myself is immature and depending on what it is, it's absolutely ridiculous, as is putting a magnifying glass to their choices in the first places. I have no right to come to conclusions about other people's choices and condemn them for them especially when I do not know why they made them. I have not walked a mile in their shoes, for all I know they made their decisions for reasons not too in-similar to mine, they could be personal, or they could be far too complex for me to understand. To build on this, I have treated people close to me badly because of my inability to realise when I think that they don't care about me it hurts them. My fears that people do not care about me is often so inaccurate that it greatly hurts those that do. My actions in response to that will frequently contribute to that becoming a reality. As they realise my trust in them has broken down they may feel betrayed and reflect that and from my perspective it will look as if they have always lied about their care for me when in reality it was me that greatly contributed to that breakdown in trust. For me to recognise this so late is no-ones fault and if it really is anyone's then it is my own, my actions and choices are my responsibility, we all learn things at different rates and it is not other people's responsibility to recognise and help me understand my own actions. Also I apologise for the way I write, it is like a condensed brick of feelings and thoughts. I recognise assaulting people with thought bricks is also a problem of mine, should really give more people time to process and understand my thoughts over time rather than condensing it into a brick and thundercunting it at them, expecting them to understand and getting irritated when they don't. Before this trains rolls a little far off the tracks it is fundamentally important I make something known, I'm sorry to those I have hurt unjustly and my discontentment towards anyone I have hurt has all but evaporated. I have recognised my failures clearly, however, all though I am changing the way I go about things I my boundaries will remain the same. I will make sure not to act without thought like I have previously but If I know someone is being hurt I will not hesitate to step in immediately, regardless of if I believe someone else might do it instead, this depends on context and the environment. Sometimes it is not my place to do that and I will take more care to recognise that. The last thing I said might seem unrelated but it has affected some of my decisions lately and I have gotten carried away trying to do the right thing without considering if my actions are truly needed. That being said, being afraid of confrontation does not align with my personal values and I will not hesitate to confront a problem if I am required to. Some will see this as barbaric and I understand that, it is why some people would shy away from that but it has resulted in me actually saving lives on multiple occasions and so it is not something I will change. I greatly prefer to be someone that takes immediate initiative. I will continue to communicate properly with those I care about and make sure I will do what I can to support them but now I will take extra care to make sure I do it while respecting and understanding their boundaries and taking them seriously if they are going down a road that worries me. If you believe any of my thoughts here aren't grounded or reasonable you are welcome to talk to me about it here or on another platform, even if you do not know me, being challenged on my ideas is integral to my improvement.