longer.blue

Mental Health: To be honest I'm not writing this for sympathy or really anyone Just to vent, just to process things and I guess if it does help somebody or something that's good. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD). So I have a laundry list of conditions. Let me clarify I am medicated, I am always getting help. That step is hard because you convince yourself you don't need it, don't want it or even worse you don't deserve it. That said don't misunderstand I still have really bad periods. I tend to avoid relationships of all kinds, because I struggle to connect because I isolate myself pretty badly. For long stints I will avoid going out, I'll make plans only to cancel them the day of. I have episodes where I either sleep for 1 to 3 hours or 18 hours in a day. It's a constant battle of appointments, medications, therapy and everything in between. I thankfully kicked a nasty drinking habit 3 years ago. I can't have just one drink. It always turned into 4 or 5. I had to accept I can't drink in moderation. And frankly once I got on medications I got afraid to drink. I am still very withdrawn so I am thankful for things like video games, discord and Bluesky. It let's me have some sense of connection. Even if it is small. Despite everything listed above, despite those bad days there are good days. If I've learned anything it's that it's okay to have bad days, a lot of bad days in fact. It doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're unlovable it just makes you human. The important thing is to cherish the good days no matter how small they maybe. And it's even more important to as stereotypical as it sounds reach out, and reach out to others. I have a very small circle of friends. Super small. I honestly am probably a bit frustrating. It's hard to get in touch with me, I have slept throught get togethers, I've canceled plans, I don't like to talk on the phone, I have bad days where my mood is just awful... but despite all that those friends never stop reaching out. They still include me in, invites. They still send me messages in our group chat that I tend to forget to look at. They still ask me to play games, get on discord or come listen to them rant about whatever crazy stuff is going on. That's what keeps me going. That people understand that I'm not always going to operate at 100%. But that they try even when really it's probably easier not to. So if they see this thanks, I do notice and it does matter and I'm here because of you.