longer.blue

If me bringing you up in that document made you uncomfortable, imagine how weird I've felt for the last few years not knowing if me or Jean were at risk of showing you our dicks back then - if we got along. the document is partially me airing EVERYTHING out in regards to cinnamon, but also me airing everything out through my perspective. i can't speak to things i weren't a witness to, only my perspective - which is exactly what everyone "involved" in this did as well. that's the main point i'm trying to make. none of this had to go as far as it went and the idea of making the document or cutting cinnamon out of my life at all came from that final vent and Java's immediate interpretation of it despite ALL of us knowing that she has a terrible habit of lashing out and saying things she's better off not saying and regretting it. in all honesty, i don't mind you so much as a person. i've even advocated for you back when you were caught drawing feral and even after i started to suspect you were a minor when we first interacted. the issue isn't with YOU as much as it is with cinnamon not telling me about something i think is really, really serious. another thing she "didn't inform me about". do you notice the common theme here yet? i don't HAVE to understand anything coming from people who aren't honest or forthcoming with me. i'm just annoyed that it took me 4 years to realize that. and here we go with you saying just a little bit too much. i didn't say "Those friends are fake and are going to leave you the next LITTLE outburst you have." she's told me multiple times that EOC is scared of her and AS i was trying to stop her from exploding at him again, she did it again. that's 4 years of the same thing. 4 years of me begging her to just take a step back and treat her friends like the should be treated. you're being pointlessly reductive to try to make what i said seem more petty. let my words and your interpretation stand on their own -- you have direct access to them. there's no need to paraphrase. you also don't need to like me or "not hate" me. you're allowed to feel like i "dragged" you into this - that's fine. i can see how you could feel that way. i'm not gonna apologize for it, but i can accept it. the fact of the matter is; you wouldn't even be in the document at all if you didn't play a part in the cosmo thing as one of the people calling her out on the day she got fired. i was willing to look past every "strange" thing about you until that happened - and even then i tried to hang out in vcs, play minecraft with you and Java or have fun with some dry dms. but that doesn't take away from the fact that you did that and it left a lasting impression on me and how healthy that friend group is for her. i stood up trying to stop her from spiraling for days. do you think that just because she was the target that i can't be impacted? it doesn't matter to me if you apologized and were forgiven for the damage done that day. i'll always look at the people involved in that as having the potential to turn on her because they proved they were capable of doing it once. the document is public (and will remain public) exactly because of this interpretation (and the fact that she can't even dislike an artist without making it everyones business. i.e getting into a small confrontation with a friend as a first impression because they used a superior fox gif) i'm not gonna let myself be insinuated or called an abuser in a server that has a bad habit of gossiping and running with their first thought. this is the second time i've lost friends over her jumping the gun and acting as if i hate the ENTIRE friend group. (i make it a point multiple times to say i don't hate all of you guys) "Every" "They" and "All" are exactly as definitive as her saying "EVERYONE" poured gasoline on her when cosmo came back. do you think she was referring to you too when she said "everyone" fueled her lashing out? neither do i! in private conversations, people tend to do that though - they say things like "everyone" and "everybody" because the assumption is that they don't need to single people out because so many people are doing something, that it FEELS like everybody. that's why her going to the venting channel and saying what she said how she said it followed by Java's dm to me bothered me so much. that and the fact that nobody thought to just ask me anything. there could've been a vc, there could've just been a "koob what happened?" i've handled so many things privately that nobody knew i was feeling this way, but when she goes to her server and lashes out (something she's infamous for doing) and instead of thinking "this has happened a lot. we should try a different way to go about this.", i see people doing the SAME thing they've been doing for YEARS by further feeding into her mania and sweeping me up in the mix of it as an abuser? as someone being deceptive? that's also why i posted all the dms i could find relevant to this. i am and ALWAYS was an open book, and ALL anyone ever needed to do was ask me anything at any point - but it's always acting on impulse and anger with that group. so "frankly", it doesn't matter to me how long you've been friends with her if all you've done is enable her to be the worst version of herself. I said it before and i'll say it again; if anyone just talked to me before deciding to vilify me over what even SHE admits was her jumping the gun and acting out of emotion, this never would've happened. that's literally all i needed at the time, but i'm supposed to constantly push my emotions aside in favor of her growth and i'm not doing it anymore. if you read the document in full, you'll see just how much i've tried and whether or not you feel like my reaction to getting punched in the head over and over is warranted doesn't matter to me. i'm done putting my feelings second or being expected to show her or ANYONE a courtesy they can't extend to me. so yes! this person is bad. here's her public tag. if she or any of her loose-lipped friends have come to you and said i'm an abuser or unfair or abusive or exhibit abusive tendencies, here's evidence to the contrary. respectfully, YOU calling me childish doesn't hold the weight i think you might think it does. and i didn't leave anything out of the addition to the document. the screenshot is corrupted. this is exactly what i mean when i say so many of you operate on bad-faith arguments. Beetle can literally send me the screenshot. i didn't block them back when they blocked me. i also already replied to most of these points earlier in the message, but if you feel like i missed anything let me know it's my day off and i have all day to fuss about this.