longer.blue

I've had a tragic loss recently. A wonderful woman I just started dating was taken by a fatal car wreck. She was around 7 years younger than me but was someone I looked up to. She was so much of what I wish I could be. I was hoping she'd be here to help me become that person I want to be. Now I'm alone again and it hurts so much. She made such an impact on the lives of others, including myself. I'm afraid of losing it though. I only knew her for such a short time and I'm afraid of the memories fading. Before learning about the tragic event. I was making plans to kill myself. I felt I was a lost cause and couldn't do anything to stop it. I still wanted to hear from Sadie though. I hadn't heard from her and I was so worried. I went to her apartment because I missed her. It was silent expect for her young cat Lady meowing. It was the first sign of something terrible. Those meows reverberated a terrifying feeling in me. I wanted to break the door down. I held myself together until I saw the post of what had happened to her. I wept and all my pain from before felt meaningless. Moments before I felt finished and ready to end my life. Then I lost someone I loved so much and I wanted to live again. I want to keep trying. I want to be a great person like she was. I want to love myself as she loved me. I've been living in painful delusions where effort is meaningless. I need others to help me out of them. I need others that can shut off all the worry in my head like she did. It will be awkward but I want to be open and close to others. I want to love more people how I loved her. Her name is Sadie Stoesser, she spoke with kindness and confidence. She had a powerful personality. She felt pain for all the suffering others went through because of an unjust system. She had just became the newly elected precinct chair of Lubbock county democratic party. She was wanting to get the local DSA running again. She had a collection of retro tech and media. Someone that had so much going for her. She also started her transition to a woman this year. I wish I could see all she would had become. I wish I knew so much more about her. I wish I could feel her heart beating next to mine again.