longer.blue

Hey, you dont know me, but i have felt what you're going through. I've been suicidal ever since I was 9 going on about 12 years now. Everyday my first thought when I wake up is about putting a shotgun to my cranium and blowing my brains out. Thats why I cant honestly say "life's worth it" or "you have so much to live for". Non-suicidal people think that helps, but honestly it just makes us feel more ostracized doesnt it? Its like we are broken and everyone else gets to go through life on easy mode. Of course i'm just assuming that you think similarly to me because we have a lot of the same problems, loneliness, childhood trauma, feeling we aren't living up to our potential academically, these are normal problems to have. While I am not allowed to kill myself, I dont know your situation, so i will rapid fire some reasons to live that, while they probably won't cure the thoughts, might help anchor you to reality. Speaking of anchors thats the first reason, when my dog died I immediately went and got an old cat from the shelter. I did this because having another living being depend on you is an easy way to make sure you can roll with the punches. Now since you already have a plan idk if that will help much, but speaking of that plan that relief is completely normal. There is relief in utter helplessness, but the great thing about death is that its inevitable with or without your input. To a certain extent if you have the genetics for it like I probably do, the thoughts are too and if you dont have the genetics for it then there is an escape. Anyways i'll move onto my second reason, spite. I work for Jeff bezos i may be low on the totem pole, but thats where im at right now. There is no way i'm letting him or any of the other billionaire slime live longer than me. I know I can build myself a happier life than any of those motherfuckers with my hand tied behind my back, so i want to live happily and watch them rot in their ivory towers. This goes into my third reason, there are not enough good people in the world. Everyday is filled with news articles about the most depraved people humanity has to offer, hell they seem to be rewarded for it most of the time. I stay in this world to make it a better place bit by bit. If you're thinking you're not a good person, then stop it. Good people tend to self analyze and improve themselves while bad people tend it just blindly charge forward devil may care. Fourth reason is something i honestly dont know much about, art. You are the only person capable of creating your art. There are billions of ways to rearrange the genetic code alone, and thats not even factoring in experiences. I found peace in acknowledging my uniqueness, so i hope you will too I just used art because that seems to be something you're passionate about. Fifth reason is the experiences the world has an infinite number of experiences whether they be from art, academia, or just real life. I don't get along with many people. Fact is i'm pretty damn lonely. I have friends, but I've always felt it difficult to really feel connected to the rest of humanity you know? However, with the sheer number of people on this earth I know for a fact that there are people here who will get me and let me experience those deeper relationships I crave. Sixth reason is the struggle of life. That probably seems like backwards reasoning, but hear me out. We find purpose in the struggle. I love videogames and I like playing high difficulties just so I can keep banging my head against the wall until I succeed. The same with self improvement, I want to improve physically, mentally, and socially so I can see how far I can truly go. Though I tend to stop and start all the time, but thats life! Seventh reason is because the future will surprise us. There will be new art to experience, new discoveries made, new places explored that you won't have the opportunity to experience unless you're there to see em. Now that's probably similar to the fifth reason surrounding experience, but gimme a break here! Eighth reason is that you control your destiny it may not feel like it, but only you can make decisions on what you do. I want to believe that I make my own world through the habits that I do. At the end of the day humans are mostly a collection of habits. The difference is that we can change if we truly desire. The man I was years ago is unrecognizable from the man I am today because I have made an effort to change. Ninth reason is that you may just be unlucky. What I mean by that is things like passion and romance are usually games of luck. Sometimes people get lucky and find their soulmate from childhood, sometimes it takes til you're 60. If you are aromatic than maybe you just haven't found your true passion or at least not enough of them (i'm more of a quantity guy atm). My point is for all you know you could be the world's best brain surgeon and you would never know. Personally I just learned to drive and i discovered i'm pretty damn good, I passed my test with only 7 hours of experience. Tenth & final reason is that you matter. The world will try to convince you that you don't, and even your own brain will. I know that if I was deep in my thoughts and someone typed this out to me I would be letting them bounce off of me without even trying to understand. When it gets bad there is nothing that can convince me that I wouldnt be better off dead. Not even the nine previous reasons to live. I bet I could refute everyone of them as well as I could argue for them in that state. However I know this, we are the universe experiencing itself in a million different ways from just as many independent perspectives and there is beauty in that. If you made it this far you probably are searching for a reason to continue, and the tough part is I cant do anything to change your mind. That is something only you can do. The best I can do is offer a helpful ear and friendship. If you DM me I will respond and we can try to keep on trucking together. If not than i wish you luck on everything that comes after this. Thanks for reading TLDR here are some reasons to live. 1. Living anchor- having a being like a pet depend on you 2. Spite- dont allow the billionaires to outlive you 3.There arent enough good people in the world and if you dont think you are one then become one 4.You are the only person who can make art unique to you/ you are the only you to ever exist. 5.There are almost an inifinite number of experiences that you can have and thats amazing 6. Struggling is inevitable in life, if you learn to appreciate it life becomes a whole lot more fun 7. No one knows what the future holds and you have to be there to experience it 8. You control your actions, that means change is possible if you try hard enough 9. You could just be unlucky and have not found your reason to keep going yet whether it be a passion, romance, or even just plain friendship. 10. You matter. I would highly encourage you to read this whole thing, but it's your choice I did yammer a whole bunch just for you (and anyone else struggling), so pretty please?