longer.blue

Hey there, my friends. As you may have noticed, my Bluesky along with other social media accounts of mine were deactivated or made private these past few days. I thought I'd take time to explain my absence, along with what I want to do moving forward. Many of you know that these past several months, I have been grieving the loss of one of my close friends. Her name was Tess, and I learned in June that she had taken her own life. I've lost loved ones in my life before, but this was the first time I ever had to grapple with one of them passing away due to suicide. Learning this news deeply traumatized me and everyone else who had the pleasure of knowing her. Since then, I allowed myself to be more and more consumed by anger, regret, self-hatred, and sadness all rolled into one, corroding away at me with each passing day. These feelings I had, especially in tandem with the rapidly deteriorating state of the world and my own real-life struggles, made me no longer want to keep going. I felt like there was nothing left in store for me in my life except ceaseless pain, and I wanted it to stop by any means necessary. This week, I was planning to finally kill myself. But as you can see, I'm here now. After finally being snapped back to reality by my sister and IRL best friend, I came to the very sobering realization I was going down a very dangerous path. I was close to making a decision that would've benefitted absolutely no one. The best way I can honor Tess and her memory is continuing to live, keeping her alive in my heart and fighting for a better world. That's the least I could do for her. It will take time for me to fully recuperate, so I ask that you all be patient with me in the meantime. I'm truly sorry for worrying any of you with my recent actions, and I promise I'll take the steps necessary so I don't consider an option as drastic as taking my own life or isolating myself from my loved ones without warning ever again. If any of you are struggling with suicidal ideation or any or similar mental health struggle, know that you are not alone. If you need someone to reach out to, I am always here. Be well, and continue to stay in the fight.