longer.blue

As I sit here, thinking about what I want, with my dick locked in a tiny steel cage, pierced threw where my pa once sat, wishing my hole was also plugged, but not something I would ever do at work. I find my self thinking about connection, that what the cage in-between my legs is doing is making me want connection with other men. I am not shy by any regards but I am quiet at times, being social does not come easy to people on the spectrum. I eschew the many in search of the few, deeper, closer, no limits friends, with fewer people. Also diagnosed or not, but they tend to be on some sort of spectrum. Like most starting out in S&M you try and be submissive it’s the easier end to dip into, but that never seemed to work for me, I allways ended up being in charge. I have topped guys before with my dick locked and a puppy tail butt plug in. I know people with asd can be seen as having rigid thinking, but I have found it’s nurotipcals most taken aback by being topped by a guy in none “top gear” but I dont see why I should not wear that which gives me pleasure at the same time. I have stood in bars talking to trans guys all night who felt excluded and left out till they randomly bumped into me and started a conversation that lasted long enough to get over my wariness of unplanned social interaction.. and 6 hours later we where still talking, while some overlay drunk guy who none of us know stands next to me and asks can he feel me dick threw my rubber and for the next 4 hours comes and goes randomly stroking my dick like asking once was the same as buying a weekend pass to Disney. Only for me to be like “no, no idea never met him before, happens all the time.” To my new acquaintance. Which is only a slight fib as yes it happens when ever I go out for pride, but I only do that once every 3 years, reminded of the time I went full pup befor it was thing in 2ks and stopped for 20 pics with people, i attracts atttention. For someone stand offish I find the scene standoffish, hypocrite I know. I resent the guys who stand in front of me hoping to catch my eye, but also too timid to even say hello to me, But I see in them the quiet boi in me who would never speak to strangers and if I am honest still would choose not to. But now I go out with a boi, who thou asd I think of as my seeing eye dog for social situations he is so much better at starting that casual talking to strangers, than I have ever been, I have allways needed some one else to start, but then try shutting me up... With regards to which, let’s try and get this to where i wanted it to get to.. I am too clever, I think to much, I think about thinking, iq over 140. Had to prove I was special and needed help not stupid and Abandonable to a 90s school system, that wanted to label me as a psychopath and walk away, no hope here. My statement says, “Should be Rocket scientist but is modelling social interactions in real time, instead” I find being social hard, it’s active work for me, it’s not natural, it’s a skill that has been practiced and thought about, i have spent hours of a night in bed not sleeping but reliving the day and each & every interaction and all my failures and where i can improve. My whole life a fight to be better to be more to fit in, tooth a nail to get to the starting so I might enter the race, never mind to run the race of life itself. I guess this too is why being submissive has never been my deal, my mother raised a fighter not a quiter. Which is prob why i have a backroom full of hiviz gear, I go drink in the spoons in it. Why the idea of dropping out of my currently roll with its responsibility’s and planning (sadly why its all so a good fit) and people, so many people, appeals. The though of some job where I wear the same hiviz and drive round 3 up in a little tipper truck, hell I don’t even want to drive i want sit on the passenger side and sleep. Where i can have ill advised hand an neck tats and be inked up, so much I could never step foot in an office again with out a red warning lanyard, the hiviz alone not enough to say I do not belong here! Where i go the pub on Friday straight from work with the lads. Like we used to in the 2ks when beer was a quid and we could afford to do that every Friday and eat in the pub! Where i am just told what to do and when and where to be. Where i spend all day calling the driver boss and wear his collar and my dick is locked and he has the keys and my whole is filled, before an evening spent in a gym, and nights restrained ether by steel or leather or by his arms as we fall asleep together after a long day, and I dont have to think any more. But me the thinker knows, that work is not valued and I am financially better off here in the world of I.T. I find my self drawn back to a day 4 years ago where my workplace did some charity work and I spent the day in work gear in a box van driving round picking up furniture, it was summer and i got to turn off for the day, it was long and an escape from work and duty and wish I could go back to that. As i get older and time runs out i find my self asking my self more what is important can I truly be happy going on like this? There are many reasons not to, many risks with change, I would not be getting the time off I do here or final sal pension and I am not a young man to be doing a physical job. What ever this mythical job would be... In the past reinventing and change was easy there were no risk and now there are risks perceived or other wise. That provide so much inertia that I feel nothing my ever change again the risk to great, endlessly hoping to win the lotto for the safety net money provides and the freedom to make mistakes again. The world is harsher, than the 00’s money is tighter i am older and tired, and change is not as easy as it once was. So I will be responsible and be the responsible one, who knows how to do 3 people’s jobs and the answers to all the questions. I will whip, beat and cain Bois this weekend and next week as planned and I will enjoy that as will they, they all ways ask to come back for more. But in-between that, my bed will be empty filled with me and my thoughts, but not the hiviz wearing kinkster lad, covered in ink. It comes back to that connection, that throbbing contained in steel, seeking out that mythical guy i can share my bed with, but also much more than that. My only advice if you have made it this far, is to say if you never say it out loud or admit to your self how are you going to be able to tell someone else what you want when asked and make it happen. I read in instigator once the best way to meet the sort of guy who was into what your into is to dress like the man you want to pull. I have found my self dressing and acting so hard to be like the tops I wanted to pull that I have become them & now men crave my cruelty, maybe I never was submissive and only thought so, my timidity over new things and new people held me back. So never stop looking for that “right guy” who you would do “anything for”, because some day you will find him, only you might find him inside your self, where he’s been all the long.