longer.blue

It Was Always Kodokushi ✌️ --- I have had plenty of time to think. About connections and their relations to two things I'll refer to as The Poverty and The Model. **The Poverty**. I was born into a working-class family, which meant the "study so you don't end up slaving like us" Kool-Aid was rampant. While my classmates were out socializing in high school and uni, I was slaving my butt off for a "good future" or... so I thought. Meanwhile, they secured support systems - partners - while you couldn't see my head from all the studying paraphernalia I could get my hands on. They were the "losers" getting laid, while I was the "hard-working student" chasing A's. And... here we are. They are happily or, in the worst case, complacently married, while I'm socially stunted, having "won" at the thing, which in hindsight, seems quite secondary. And... they have managed to graduate too... maybe with an exam or two retaken. So, dear parents, please don't have children if you can't afford them sometimes flunking exams while they seek their lifelong partner. I would have preferred to have never been born rather than having this "good future" with a cold bed and no one to embrace when the weight of the world feels... a bit too much. In the end, the "loser" in the grand scheme was... me. **The Model**. A while ago, I postulated that having both the lookist portion of my brain pleased and the feeling of a soul-level bond at the same time would be impossible due to societal dynamics, where the former would be rewarded enough by the society to make developing the latter feel like a waste of time... and vice versa. And, of course, I've met plenty a sample of "lookist brain happy, soul bond absent" cases. And then I met Her. The unicorn. Felt heard, understood, felt, embraced. I, a defective meatbag, felt acceptable, accepted. Bucket list magically turned from a hopeless "yeah, right" to an intoxicatingly hopeful "yeah, babe". But... the gray piece of shit between my temples refused to light up. Omnia vincit amor - love conquers all - my ass. Seeking connection as a person in their thirties was a fool's errand. A mistake. A costly one, which exacerbated my executive dysfunction to unseen proportions. "[...] the most terrifying thing of all is to leave one's heart unshared." I'll have to disagree. Respectfully. Vehemently. I would've been better off had I never confirmed The Model and lived with naive hope. That brief period when everything felt possible felt heavenly, but being kicked out of the Garden of Eden, having the blood of that relationship on my hands... scarred me. (Mood: https://www.reddit.com/r/grippysockcrayonbox/comments/1v4rxgj/and_now/) With that being said, it is time to serve the rest of this lifetime sentence in solitude. A "less-than" mockery of a life with all the delightful and delicious bucket list items never to be materialized. I'll laugh my ass off when something completely salvageable by the presence of another person (a slip in the bathtub, an unfortunate whack while sleeping) moves me to the spectator player group just because no one was around. This is what you deserve, you pitiful fool. Your kodokushi ending. Wa-fucking-hoo.