longer.blue

13MAY’25 Day 20 when does it get better? the pills are the only thing that help me function. today is worse than the yesterday and yesterday was worse than the last. i went out today. i tried to eat out and i ended up breaking down in the bathroom lol my grief has fully consumed me. i wonder how you are coping. are you drinking, smoking, vaping? you always enjoyed those things so much. the only reason you did not do them more was because i stopped you. now that i am not there i am sure you are indulging freely. should i have stopped you or do as you pleased? i guess it doesn’t matter. i made you do things like go out with the very people that you left me for. i wonder if i should’ve been more controlling, kept you in a little cage just for myself. but nah, i loved you too much for that. i genuinely only ever wanted the best for you, i only ever thought about your long term benefit and happiness. maybe i should’ve been more selfish, more short term, more spontaneous. its not getting better lulu i can’t do this i miss you so dearly i will love you for as long as i’m here