longer.blue

29APR'25 Day 6 i’m starting to lose all ways of contacting you since you have blocked me almost everywhere now. only discord remains and i am not willing to risk my last avenue of contacting you by messaging you there. i’ve decided to start writing these letters instead. i need there to be proof that this was real. i need these words to be written down so that the sands of time do not dull down the sharpness of what i am feeling right now. i hope one day you will be able to read them. i don’t ever want there to be any confusion about the silence between us. it is a silence imposed upon me by you, a silence im choosing to begrudgingly respect. i would break this silence in a heartbeat if it didn’t mean pushing the tiny little bit of you i have access to even further away. it has now been five days since we last spoke. the last time i heard your voice, you were drunk and telling me how you maybe liked another guy you just met and you were open to the idea of being with him if life led you there. even the thought of loving another makes me physically ill, i don’t understand how the most loyal and loving girl i have ever met could say those things, feel those things so easily and quickly after just breaking my heart? the day before that call, we talked and i opened up to you about how badly i am struggling. i’ve never been able to do that with anyone. that was the first time i uttered those words from my mouth, things i thought i would take with me to the grave. when i was pleading with you to not break things off, i told you that i will change what i need to and do everything in my power to make you happy and be the person i was always supposed to be for you. so that’s why i opened up to you, told you how badly i am struggling and how badly i still need you in my life as my best friend, my person, even if our relationship was dead. you said “i will always be your friend, you will always have me in your life”. around 24 hours after that call, i found out you were lying to me and then you blocked all contact with me. one message and blocked. i did not even get a chance to say anything back to you, nothing. cruel and ruthless. i understand our relationship ending. i respect your feelings and your criticisms but i will never understand how you were able to lie to me so easily and throw me out like that. laura never lied to me, laura was never cruel. so what happened? what did i do to deserve that? i was respectful, nothing i asked of you during those finals days was unreasonable. i respected your space and all i asked for in exchange was for some sympathy and support from the only person in my life. when i needed you the most, when i asked for help and support for the first time, you throw me away like i was just some random guy out to ruin your life. i don’t know if i will ever get to talk to you about this. i don’t know if you are strong enough to come clean and be honest about everything that happened and everything you were feeling. you seem to have turned off all the love and care you had for me so you can more easily digest letting things be this way and doing this to me. how else can i explain it? i am here struggling. i can feel my body failing. every breath is starting to hurt. the sadness doesn’t let me eat and makes me gag. i have no food in me but yet i’m on the toilet all the time. i am on the verge of tears 24/7 and the smallest trigger causes me to fucking break down into a full weep. my thoughts are darker than ever and i have no ambition, no hope and life seems pointless. i sit there staring at my phone and screen all day hoping that every beep is you, just waiting for anything, a sign, a message but it never comes. meanwhile.. you’re out there enjoying life, drinking, having fun. the person you loved for 3 years seems to be a distant bad memory for you. if anything, the thought and sight of me seems to disgust you, blocking me in the few remaining places where you hadn’t. i need help to understand i miss you so much, everything hurts i hope you’re sleeping well. goodnight.