longer.blue

Standup bit on Christ-first dating: So yeah… still single. Unbelievable, I know. And the kind of women I run into… man. They match with me — after seeing my face, after reading my profile — and go: “God is at the center of my relationship. Do you believe in Jesus?” Like… Bitch, this is Bumble, not Bethlehem. You didn’t find me at Bible study. You found me between a guy holding a fish and someone doing CrossFit in a parking lot. Then they go: “In my life, God always comes first. Jesus comes first in everything.” I’m like… look, I know Jesus was a man — so yeah, he probably does come before a woman. But I don’t think he’s coming before me. All I need is 5 to 10 minutes and the right playlist. And then she hits me with: “We always pray before we do anything.” I’m like… cool. “Dear Lord, thank you for these titties I’m about to motorboat.” (Beat. Let it land.) A Christ-centered relationship honestly just sounds like a threesome… With God watching. Like, he’s hovering above the bed like, “Son, that’s not how you do missionary.” And what does it really mean, anyway? No sex. No accountability. But all your money is a “blessing.” Bitch, I’m dating a pastor with a OnlyFans.