longer.blue

So I've had the bag of stuff from my first relationship, that I always had but never did anything with. I just kept it in a bag, and never looked at it. After a while, I just kinda brought the bag with me whenever I would move and I would just be like idek if I should even hold onto this stuff? I just left the bag in a box pretty much. Today I rlly thought if I should finally do something with it or get rid of it, so I looked at all of it and it's various notes. I haven't looked at them in over 7/8ish years. The final one had something that made me stop and break down. It said "I wanna live to see the day you aren't scared to take pictures and meet new people". This made me extremely emotional cuz like god. I can do those things now. I'm here, living my life doing those kinds of things. And it's just like FUCKKK. I was just so fucked emotionally, mentally and just in general back then. I had so much repressed trauma and my insecurities would make decisions for me. That and me constantly questioning my gender and never being sure of who I even was. It took like 8 fucking years, but I got there eventually. It's just crazy, cuz I can confidently say I love myself and I could never say that about myself before 2024ish. As I've been typing this I just cannot stop crying. It's just been so hard. Just everything. Me struggling when I was with her due to me questioning my gender and all my other issues. My entire childhood. My old step dad and him kicking me out. Having to drop out of college so I can figure out where I was gonna live or even how. The mental health hospital, the suicide attempts, coming out to everyone, me just trying to survive jumping from different jobs, how horrible I felt for my entire life, the relationships that haven't worked out, just everything. It's all been so hard. I'm finally at a point to where yeah I do love myself. I do take pictures of myself and look at myself in the mirror. I do meet new people. I do take risk. I have a backbone now and set boundaries. I am happy with who I am now. I just goddddd. I can't stop crying my eyes out. It's just been such a long and difficult road to get here. I've changed so much and I'm so proud of myself honestly. I just god. I cannot stop fucking crying my eyes out.