longer.blue

I would like to tell you that I did see your message you had written down in the hopes it would come my way, as I'm sure you may have seen already. In response, I felt as if it would be for the best if I wrote this now while the emotions that I carry and wish to put into writing are still fresh, so forgive me if this feels less like an organized message and more like a disjointed mess of words and feelings put to writing- I was never the best at detailing how I felt. This will not be an attack or condemnation on you, nor will it be written with vitriol- merely letting myself rest and move forward. I admit even now that writing this is painful and difficult- I’m sure it’s probably as difficult as it was for you to write yours- so I don't want to risk anything being left unsaid if this is truly the end you say it is. I suppose I'll start by saying I never wanted any of what happened. When you left, I had begun to lose hope you would ever come back. I had grown worried and tired that the pattern had seemed to be you disappearing and never speaking to me again unless I stepped up and reached out first, so I had begun to give you the space I believed you needed so that you wouldn't feel upset at everything that happened that led up to such things. I was upset at your leaving, but I never shot it all down as 'another spiral'- I disagreed with the acts, but I always understood why they were taken. I wanted more than anything for you to be happy and for us to be able to hang out as friends like we had used to all those years ago. Was I a perfect friend? Of course not, neither of us were- and even if the idea of a perfect friend existed, it would be near impossible a task to fulfill. But if I may defend myself at least somewhat, I always fought for you. You were never 'just an option' to me- you were my closest friend. I never thought of you as lesser than anyone else I considered myself friends with- ever and always, if you told me to name someone I could always rely on in this space, your name was the first to come to mind. My silence back then was not a dagger to your back, it was not stepping over your body in favor of those you had been wronged by, and more than anything, it was not a betrayal of my closest friend- it was a respectful nod to not involve myself in matters I frankly knew nothing about and only make things worse. I know nothing at all of you and the third party's relationship outside of alleged statements on both sides, and deemed it inappropriate of me to butt myself into a relationship that was never mine to begin with, especially given my utter lack of knowledge on relationships as a whole. The best I could have done is be a helping hand for both people involved, to try to get their minds away from the incident and help them both move on from it. I never picked this third party over you, not once- anyone who knew us both could tell you my priority was ever and always the person I treated like a sister and repeatedly told I always wanted to look out for, that I always reminded how much I cared for her. I'm not silly enough to insinuate I never made mistakes, but I always looked out for you when I could. In response to you saying I began hanging out with this third party over you, that's not true. The decision I made to hang out with that person was prefaced with the belief that our friendship was already over and that I'd never be able to see you again. So, faced with this reality, I wanted to help someone else in a similar position so their worries would be eased- so they wouldn't be in the same despair I was in. When you surprised me by finally coming back into my life, I had no idea this would ever happen. I had expected to sit and rot in the winds forever, but you being back again put a wrench into that and gave me a reason to smile again. But of course, I had already given this third party my word that I would hang out with them. Faced with this, what choice did I have but to honor my word? Regardless of if the positions were switched or not, I still would have followed my word because if I had thrown everything away at your arrival, it would have been insulting to the both of you. It's the reason why I wanted to try and get you both on at least amicable terms again, but I suppose my vain hopes were blinding me to the reality that there was likely no fixing a sinking ship when it's already submerged in the water. As I'm sure you likely knew as well from prior experience, I despised the idea of being forced to choose between people I considered friends- I always have, and that never changed even now. I don't hate or bear resentment towards you, much as you don't towards me, but if I may be honest, the fact that a situation I had no involvement in was enough to sever seven-year-old ties drives me into the deepest pits of despair. I guess I had hoped we could find some way to discuss and rectify all of this between us without anyone else being involved, but if you are truly adamant that such things are sure to never happen, then I can only force myself to get up and keep walking. You are right about one thing- if this is really the end, if there is no recourse or resolution, then I will also look back on these seven years with the brightest smile and regard them well. You may think otherwise of me, but I truly wish you nothing but the best should this be the last time we interact. I apologize for this being the outcome that was thrust upon us. If I could go back and prevent any of this from happening the way it did, I wouldn't hesitate. You were and even now still are a sister to me, a face I could always turn to and be excited to see. Someone I could never see myself being away from. I still can't help myself from believing that I will be able to speak with you amicably again- in my heart, I still miss the days we both hold dear before everything went wrong- but if it's all over, I can only hope that whoever steps into your life from here on out regards you as well as I still do, even through everything. You deserve better from life than a broken heart and a world of troubles, but so do I as well.