longer.blue

I'm deciding right now an "old version of me" is when I make long posts detailing my feelings about anything trauma related, about people's past toxic actions toward me, and recounting things about my mother, or anyone who has abused me or been abusive or mistreated me. Truthfully, I mean this with zero remorse or guilt -- I want bad things to happen to anyone who wrongs me or crosses me. I've kept hidden some of the most gruesome scenes in my head since I was a kid, of things I would imagine happening to people. My gut knows when someone does not treat me right, and I know they get scared, cocky, or nasty in attitude when it turns out I'm not cool with their negative patterns, or abusive behaviors. People hate I see underneath everything and it always surprises me that people want to surround themselves with those that just cheer and support a false mask. I especially never liked people who represent old versions of me either, because they are people I despise the most. I don't hold grace for people who do not hold grace for others at all, and expect to be babied and coddled, and treated with kid gloves. I'm tired of doing that for the wrong people. This doesn't mean I remain in silence though, this means that if there ever comes a time another person in my life starts showing red flags, I will communicate my exact feelings and just leave them where they're at. It also isn't communication that is the issue -- because some people are simply incapable of expressing your feelings to, without them resorting to attacks, insults, and blaming. It's just I think people will learn I got a voice too. I got opinions. I got things to say. This also doesn't mean I forgive any of these people. In fact, I not only think unwell of them, but I probably will celebrate if they were no longer living. So, I'm laying it out right now that is my true feelings. 🙂 The unique thing about me is I am a survivor who doesn't feel bad or blame themselves -- I never take on the malignant tumors others allow to grow on them. It's not growing on me in the first place. I have myself I need to heal anyway, not some person who will never change, care, etc. I think in order to properly heal, it's important to not be in the midst of a vicious cycle of ruminating over bad and negative memories of individuals who honestly can't even live with themselves, hate themselves, and spend time projecting themselves on everyone anyway. It's not like they're going to change, they're not going to come to some epiphany and reading your posts, they're not going to become anymore intelligent or emotionally safe as a human being. These are things I already know, but the thing about me is I like taking my sweet time lol. I already am aware, in fact I have an extreme awareness about me, that I know what it always looks like to people -- stuck in PTSD. But you know, that makes me realize people do not understand PTSD at all. Sometimes the ultimate litmus test when it comes to people, is if they even know what it looks like...not just what they know based on soldiers with symptoms. I allow myself the space to be feeling the anger and condemnation I feel. Even if that's going to take years. Well, it's been years of posting awareness posts, speaking about all the nitty gritty incidents of abuse I've been put through by my mother, and venting to my boyfriend for a few years. I already know though this kind of period of time will have to end by my hand. The nice thing about it all is rage and pain can turn into creativity... and unsavory people will end up turning into ideas and stories for me. That's why I'm glad in this lifetime I am an artist and have chosen to be creative. It's a matter of time when things start falling in place for me in all the right ways... and it already has since 2021 when I left my narcissistic cult family and abusive mother permanently. I gain something good each year, things I have never been blessed with up until I was 28 years old and onward.