longer.blue

hey so. Ive been ~going through it~ ✌️🥰✌️ i guess i just wanted to. share? or maybe i just don't wanna say the same thing to everyone individually. maybe im fishing for sympathy. idfk. all this to say: i have been.. struggling in this space. not because of anyone else's behavior or because ive been mistreated. frankly im just God's most Beautiful Princess with a Disorder. the thing about BPD is it really really fucking clouds your objectivity. it turns me into this really jealous callous thing. it frightens me. and sometimes it's really hard to manage with how free-flowing attention and affection is in this space. i work... very hard to manage myself. if i am overwhelmed i try to Just Leave if i don't think i can hang i deactivate and usually a day or two gets my head on straight but recently this cycle has been really vicious? not to mention a lot of people are seeing a really rough side of myself in trying to support me. this is rambling i just want everyone to know that i am taking concrete steps towards like. improving myself and am trying not to just stay stuck in this self-destructive cycle of needing to be everywhere doing everything with everyone and then getting despondent when that's... impossible. ive reached out to a few providers about starting therapy, im anxious about it bc i don't have insurance but ive been looking at like sliding scale stuff. im also taking steps with my friends to help find a new job, and working with my partner to shore up our finances so maybe we can find a more permanent living situation. im not sure this is really necessary, most of my friends kinda just gently chastise me when im apologetic for an emotional episode but: im sorry for how erratic ive been behaving recently. im trying to be better. and thank you to my friends and especially my girlfriend for being so patient with me. nothings magically fixed, im gonna have low periods again, but im making a genuine effort at getting some help; and im so blessed to have the people around me that i do. im probably gonna stay logged out for another day or so. want to take time to think about the ways i use social media a little more intelligently to avoid such emotional upheaval going forward. feel free to check in, if you care you probably have my discord already but i don't mind giving it out if anyone wants to keep up. thanks.