in my head

11JUNE'25 as a kid i was obsessed with the idea of joining the army. it was my biggest dream. i would dress up exclusively in army camo uniforms and always have a toy gun with me. it got so bad that my family would buy rolls of camo cloth …

9JUNE'25 you messaged me today. the first time ive heard from u in 50 days. you said you know you fucked up, that youre a bad person that you still care about me and to please give you time and take care of myself. you did do things to m…

8JUNE’25 sometimes i think, what if i change my mind? but how can i? when i look to my future, i don’t see anything past august 7th. i see complete darkness. i don’t see a point in planning anything for beyond that date. not even incase. …

7JUNE’25 there’s a lot of things and places i wanted to experience with you. i still want you to experience them without me so if you ever get the chance to, you should. in Goa, India. there’s a beautiful resort. It used to be called the …

6’JUNE2025 dokomi starts today! we would’ve been there together today yk? john is there with our other german mutuals. would’ve been so nice to go see them with you. i would’ve really loved that. oh well, in another life maybe? i wish i m…

5JUN’25 there’s a new alice in wonderland anime coming out. you should watch it. you would like it a lot. seems made for you. i think the trip to go see our friends is coming together well. but sadly it’s going to be at the end of July. t…

4JUNE’25 i wrote you another letter today and just sent it. it should deliver on friday. will it even reach you? will you even read it? only you know. i tried to take a walk today when i went to send you the letter. all i could think abou…

3JUNE’25 2hollis and drake concerts in europe this year. i would’ve loved to buy two tickets for us but i don’t think i’ll even be here end of august so i won’t even bother getting tickets for myself lol. i’m so cooked. i want to go peace…

2JUNE’25 today was bad. almost OD’d again. i don’t wanna die accidentally, i have to make sure it’s perfect. i just wrote you a letter today. i’m gonna send it to you tomorrow. i’ll go buy some stuff to send everyone as well. i just sit h…

1JUNE’25 a brand new month. at what point do i start looking like the crazy ex? at what point i’ll people look at me and go, wow!! he should’ve been over her by now. i’m gonna be dead before i am over you, that is for sure. and what point…

31MAY’25 we worked on ourselves and our love for so long. you wanted me to say things like “forever” and that i would die for you and that i would never be with someone if you died etc. i did want to say them but i didn’t want to say them…

30MAY’25 i’m planning a trip to go see our friends. only issue is it’s going to be around 18th July. that feels like a lifetime away and being here until then sounds like pure agony. but it’s one of the last few things left that i want to …

29MAY’25 what do you think happens when we die? i wish for nothingness and peace but at the same time i’m scared. what if the believers are right? what if i wake up and i’m being sent to hell? what if i’m stuck here as a spirit and have t…

28MAY’25 these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams are killing me slowly. these dreams a…

27MAY’25 i’m starting to tell a select few about what im planning to do. i broke down and told daria today and she was crying her eyes out. i felt so bad. i wonder how you’re going to feel? i know you will be sad for a few hours or maybe …

26MAY'25 ive been thinking alot about death lately. what happens after we die? you know, i wanna think nothing happens and we just stop existing but the religious crowd statistically has just as much of a chance of being correct as i do ri…

25MAY’25 i took my second shower since the day you left. i feel so disgusting but showers are the worst because they give me so much time to think and remind me of the times we showered together and cleaned each other. the way we would cle…

24MAY’25 ur doing me so dirty lulu..so it seems the goodbye call isn’t coming? i don’t understand how you can ever tell people i was being controlling? we both know that’s not true. why lie lulu? i spent our entire relationship pushing you…

24MAY’25 Day 30 one month. i’m starting to forget what your voice sounds like. i tried listening to a video with your voice today but it hurt too fucking bad lol. last nights dream was so brutal. i dreamt that you joined us to play somethi…

21MAY’25 Day 28 i keep hearing about my friends’ relationship problems and all i can think about is how magic we were. we were so good together. i know you spent most of this evening/night w the guy. lukas mayr. i even know where he lives.…

20MAY’25 Day 27 i tried calling you today. idk if you heard me or not but fuck lulu, that fucking hurt. i’ve started listing my stuff for sale. want to leave behind some money for everyone when i’m gone. i hope after my apartment and bills…

19MAY’25 Day 26 i’m so full anger and sadness. i don’t understand how you can ignore me and not even afford me a single conversation, atleast to say goodbye? what did i ever do to deserve this? everything hurts, it’s getting harder and har…

18MAY'25 Day 15 another bad morning. but thats just the way life is now. somehow today is still worse than yesterday. im really thankful for our friends. theyve really been putting an effort into keeping me company and trying to keep me d…

17MAY’25 Day 24 today started out so fucking rough. these dreams are killing me. i couldn’t even get out of bed to get my pills until 2pm. the xanax really calmed me down but they’re starting to take longer to work and are already not last…

16MAY’25 Day 23 one of these days i hope i can say “so hey i feel kinda better today” but it’s the same fucking thing every single day. i wake up crying, spend my entire day on the verge of tears, take a pill to numb the pain and spend my …

15MAY’25 happy 3 weeks of no contact. i never thought i’d say that. i wish i could be spontaneous and just end it all right now…but i can’t..i have to plan things out, i have to make sure everyone and everything is taken care of. i don’t w…

13MAY’25 Day 20 when does it get better? the pills are the only thing that help me function. today is worse than the yesterday and yesterday was worse than the last. i went out today. i tried to eat out and i ended up breaking down in the…

12MAY'25 DAY 19 i cant believe ur fucking friend messaged me saying "delete this account or face legal actions" lol. but eh you asked me in ur final wish to not message your friends or family so even tho it goes against every fiber in my b…

12MAY'25 DAY 19 i was going through our pictures to comfort myself and then i realized..you lied even at the bitter end..you've known him for months. you went to the concert in vienna w him and patzi...what else was a lie? i cant deal with…

i just realized that you lied to me even at the end he wasn’t a random guy. i remember him now. lukas mayr. you went to that concert with patzi and him in october of 24. fuck. was there more going on? you’re never gonna admit it nor are y…

10MAY'25 DAY 17 "lulu i can accept you replacing me and doing things you promised you never would. ive figured evrything out and it hurts so bad but thats nothing compared to you blocking me and throwing me away after i figure it out. i wa…

9MAY’25 Day 16 i hate that i know you so well. eventhough you did something i did not think you ever even capable of doing, much less to me of all people, i still know you better than you know yourself. i know how you’re coping, i know wh…

8MAY'25 Day 15 half a month since we last spoke. last time we spoke you were drunk and told me you liked some guy you just met 2 days ago. is that really gonna be the last time we speak? im going to try and call you one last time someday …

7MAY'25 Day 14 remember that day when we were in vienna at the cinema? we wanted to watch some movie but we were two hours late so we decided to watch titanic. it was our first time watching titanic and we had such a good time. we laughed …

6MAY'25 Day 13 i had such a nice dream today. we reconnected and decided to work through everything's that happened. it was sad but so beautiful at the same time. our love is so fucking magical and nothing compares. i know the letter deli…

5MAY’25 Day 12 i sent you a letter today. it delivers tomorrow. i don’t think you will even read it but man i fucking hope you do. i really need you to. i feel like i’m burdening my friends with this. i don’t wanna keep bringing it up to …

4MAY'25 Day 11 i woke up screaming your name for the first time. my room mate had to wake me up lol i don’t even remember my dream? im going to try and reach out to you again today.. i think i’ll write you a letter today and send it tomo…

3MAY'25 Day 10 last night i had a weird dream. i dreamt a black smoke monster was chasing me and wouldn’t leave me alone. it had this loud fucking scream and it felt like pure agony. it chased me home and up the stairs and into my balcony.…

2MAY'25 DAY 9 i realized today you still see me, but you won’t answer me..do i really mean this little to you this quickly? i wonder what you feel and think when i cross your mind.. it must be so fucking ugly if you ignore me so fucking …

1MAY'25 DAY 8 its been a week since we last spoke. it feels like a fucking eternity. nothings gotten better for me at all, i feel worse with every single passing day. do i still cross your mind? your memories keep haunting me..but they com…

30APR'25 DAY 7 my heart is so full of sadness and confusion that it is slowly devolving into anger. how could you do this to me? how could you make all those promises and break them so easily and so quickly? how could you tell me that you …

29APR'25 Day 6 i’m starting to lose all ways of contacting you since you have blocked me almost everywhere now. only discord remains and i am not willing to risk my last avenue of contacting you by messaging you there. i’ve decided to sta…